my mother emily part two

In My Mother Emily, Part Two, I will ponder how exactly to move my Mom from North Carolina to New York. And how to tell her the truth about the situation. This blog series about the journey Mom and I are going through, specifically moving her from her home in New York to assisted living here in Cary.

By Tim Murray, Co-Founder and President of Aware Senior Care
Previous blog – My Mother Emily: Part One

My Mother Emily, Part two: Decision: Adirondacks, New York.

Mom is currently ending her residence at Sunrise Cary Assisted Living. I’m very appreciative of everything the great staff has done for my Mom Emily while she was there. Sunrise really stepped up to have a place for Mom coming out of a difficult rehab. Thank You Sunrise Cary!

My Mom desires to go back to New York.  As her son, my goal is to fulfill my Mom’s wishes.  As I mentioned in part one of the blog, I believe Mom feels she’s more needed in New York to be close to my brothers, Pete and Chris, who she has helped throughout their lives.  I believe she feels she has purpose there in comparison to being in North Carolina.  The only question is what house in New York?

She has a small seasonal cabin on Kelm Pond above Warrensburg and a full time residence in the town of Warrensburg.  My current feeling is she’s thinking of the lake house.

The challenge is Mom’s cognitive capabilities have been declining as well as her mobility, specifically her ability to transfer to and from the wheel chair. Further complicating her ability to live somewhat independently is her constant continence issues. The assessment done by Sunrise, a very good geriatric care manager, Sharon Kilpatrick of Kilpatrick Care, Gina and I has led us to believe that she can’t live safely and independently at home. She needs or requires 24/7 assisted care.  On top of all this, we need to sell Mom’s primary residence in New York.  Why?  We need cash to pay for assisted living.

What does Mom think?  I believe Mom feels she’s okay to go home because my brothers are there.  I think she knows she needs help, but I think she feels she doesn’t need to be in an assisted living facility.

My struggle is how to I talk to Mom about our plan for New York?  How do I explain to Mom that we need to sell her New York home to pay for her care?   How will she take it?  For now, I’ve been putting off the detailed conversation until we can formulate a more cohesive plan for New York.  One of the main points in this plan is assisted living, preferably residential assisted living for Mom.

To help me, I’ve assembled a care team centered on Glens Falls, New York:

  1. Selling the New York house in Warrensburg, New York – Cindy Harrigan and Debbie Beton of Berkshire Hathaway Home Services Blake, REALTORS.  That team has the mission to sell the house.
  2. Moving Mom’s NY personal items to assisted living either in NY or NC – Neil Bindelglass of Senior Move Managers Saratoga.  Neil is a certified Senior Move Manager and has the mission to help sell of any items we don’t retain in the family, design what things will be moved to the new assisted living home and make the move.
  3. At the core of the team is Eileen Dunn MS, CMC of Trinity Eldercare Consulting & Management.  Eileen is helping me with finding the best new assisted living home for Mom and any home care we would need for Mom to visit her Lake House.

My current plan is to make the trip up to Warrensburg to meet with the team and visit potential assisted living places for Mom around Memorial Day weekend.  Ideally, Eileen and I would like to find a small assisted living residence.  Also, we hope wherever we choose, they will allow a 90-day trial or respite to see how Mom likes being there.

I spoke to Eileen on Wednesday, May 11th .  My question was, “How do I talk to Mom?”  I feel as her son I’m withholding information and I don’t feel good about it.  It’s mostly due to the fact we don’t have a solid plan yet.  Eileen asked me very simply, “How do you think you Mom will take it?  How will she react?”

If you think it will upset her, then maybe it’s best to delay until we have a more solid plan which features the place we will bring her to.”
I understand what she means and I also understand it’s not about how I feel. It’s about Mom. It may make me feel good to get the facts out, but I wonder if it’s good for Mom at this stage?

Stay tuned to next Monday May 16 to see where we are.  We plan on hosting a discussion on Twitter sometime in the near future.


tim murray aware senior care

Next blog – My Mother Emily: Part Three

This blog aims to help those currently navigating how to take care of an elderly loved one.  For those looking for home care in Cary, Apex, and Raleigh, read “Deciding on Home Care Guide” to see if it’s the option for you and take our Needs Assessment.